Family Shift

 I really did mean shift and not another similar word often associated with family dynamics! It might just be me, but after spending some time by myself with my family in Kansas City, I noticed that things are changing between us. I became aware of a new relationship between my dad, my step-mom, my grandmother and myself. It was one that not only seems honest, open and respectful as it has been for awhile, but is seems more mutually caring.

For years my parents cared for me and my grandparents spoiled me. Then for years my parents tried to care for me and I refused but still allowed my grandparents to spoil me. Then came the years where I wanted my parents to care for me and my grandparents to spoil me and neither would. After that came the point where I allowed my parents and granparents to spoil me and I was able to give gratitude and appreciation from my heart.

Thses days the I’ve noticed the shift toward my parents and grandparents allowing me to care for them. They all gave me the opportunity to give them craniosacral and heart centered therapy treatments when I was there. (That was so neat!)  They each are allowing me to do little things for them, appreciating my opinion and welcoming my support in their lives. As a result, I have felt a deeper heart connection and love between us. It is wonderful!

I feel it is often hard for all of us, at one time or another, to allow others to care for us. I see that as our parents and grandparents grow older they may become aware of their need to be cared for. It feels like a blessing to me that my family is allowing be to return the love they have given me for so many years. It is truley a gift to grow together…be it old, round or closer!

 

What a month it has been!

I am shocked that it has been a month since I have written.  Thank you to those who have reminded me of such and asked for more.  Sometimes when there is so much going on, it is hard to get a handle on what it all means.  It takes time and energy to process all that is in my heart, much less get it down on paper.  Let’s just say that there is nothing like time with family, time away from family, time by myself, time with surrounded by energy vortexes, time with a soul sibling and time rebirthing to really shake things up and rock me to the core!  Whoa!

As I sort things out, I will try to put into words the visions of my spirit, the transformations of my soul and the feelings in my heart.  Thank you to those who have touched my life over the past month and those who have held space for me, be it through thought, prayer, meditation or hope.  I love and appreciate all of you!

 

Knitting as a metaphor…

for my life.  As I sat in my second knitting rescue session after my first lesson, it was obvious….learning to knit is just like my life!  First of all, it is very hard to learn something new.  I want to be proficient at it right away.  I want to be able to put into practice what ever it is I have learned and have it easily assimilated into my modus operandi.  I can get things going pretty easily.  I am a fairly quick learner.  But just as quickly as I have learned it, I can loose it.  Get distracted.  Forget what I am supposed to do.  Drop a stitch.  Get tired or maybe even overconfident.  Suddenly things are bumpy where they should be smooth and smooth where they should be loopy.  Ugh! 

 

Then I have to back track.  Try to find out where I went wrong.  Take out stitches.  Make amends.  Become aware of my struggles.  Get my bearings. Start again with more resolve to do it correctly, go slower, pray more, talk less and take deeper breaths.  Wow!  It works, off we go!  That scarf that became a coaster is now a scarf again….but not for long.  Somehow I’ve ended up with too many stitches and they are too loose on one end and too tight on the other.  When I go to take out the mistakes, I find mistakes I was even aware of and things start to unravel right before my eyes.

 

At this point I’m about to take my coaster and tie if off, donate the yarn and cut my losses.  It was a nice attempt but didn’t quite work out like I had hoped.   Not my thing…just accept it.  I can’t be good at everything!  Chalk it up to a good learning experience and ask God what was I supposed to learn from this?  But that sweet friend or loving husband or the Holy Spirit or the patient knitting instructor is there to encourage me.  They understand.  They know what it is like, been there before themselves.  They put an arm around me, whether physically or emotionally, and it makes all the difference.

 

Okay, I’ll keep trying.  It is worth the effort and the struggle to get to the point where I can look back and see beauty of it all.  I can treasure the imperfections and appreciate the process.  I can see the different threads God has woven in my life and cherish the creation of something new.  Hopefully, it is a scarf!

 

Honestly speaking…

I do really appreciate your honesty.  I was delighted to have a day of skiing on Saturday with a couple of my girlfriends. The sun was out most of the time, it wasn’t too windy and the snow conditions were acceptable. What was really great was the company,conversation and the honesty. Not everyone feels comfortable to share honestly but when they do, you can really feel the difference. It comes from their heart! It has a different resonance and vibration. It is real!

Sometimes it is accompanied by a nervous giggle as we think “Oh my, I can’t believe I just said that” or “Did that just come out of my mouth?”. The reception though, is usually relief, acceptance or appreciation.  We have taken the chance to share from our heart, to share a bit of our true self.  It is beautiful to be approached from the heart…safe, thoughtful, inspiring and honest.

Thank you for every moment you take to speak from your heart!

 

Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me

Today was a tough day. I could have starred in my own Hee Haw skit singing “Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me”, only it wouldn’t have been a satire. Some days are like that. You just feel kind of gray and that’s okay. It started when I woke up this morning from a dream that was heart wrenching and very unsettling. I immediately wrote it all down and prayed for clarity, wisdom and strength. It has been heavy on my heart every minute of the day.

I also struggled with listening and seeing my children fight. It hurts me so much to see them hurt each other. Even though everyone says they fought with their siblings and all kids do it. I just don’t get it. It seems simple to me. If you want to feel good, be loving to the people around you and keep your hands to yourself!! I’m really feeling at the end of my rope with it!

Who knows, some of the sibling rivalry could have triggered this, but Ryan had one of his hardest days in almost 6 months. Anxiety disorders can play such unfair tricks on the mind and Ryan allowed it to wreck havoc on him. He was in agony after his half day at school because he got a 90 on his spelling test and somehow convinced himself that he got a C which is basically the same thing as an F!

Then my car suddenly acquired a squeal that could wake the dead. I am not exaggerating. The kids tried to convince me to let them walk home because they couldn’t stand to be in the car with that terrible noise. I have quarantined the car until diagnosis and treatment are complete.

So what do you do with a day like this? Put on your overalls and sing. Yes! Or you could order pizza, play Wii, blow off the laundry, have a glass of wine and giggle at your husband in his former pest control, now completely and utterly filthy, auto repair jumpsuit… driving a squealing car around the neighborhood!! Glory be to God that I got through this day and I’ll surely get through tomorrow because I’ll be driving the other car!

 

Assume only love…

I am noticing how the landscape around us can change overnight. Sometimes it is dramatic like fresh snow blanketing the ground, giving the world an almost pure and peaceful effect. Often the changes are more subtle as when a rain leaves everything looking damp and heavy. To some the snow or rain can be a great excuse to cozy up at home and to others it creates complete havoc in their morning commute.

Our lives can change overnight as well. Like when the third baby you are expecting turns out to be the third and fourth or the economic downturn suddenly means you are making half the money for the same hours of work. Recently a wonderful home schooling Mom I know had to make the decision to put her four children back in school so she could go back to work. I can almost imagine the flood of feelings washing over her as the landscape of her life changes dramatically.

So how do we weather these changes with out drowning or getting buried in the snow? My answer for today is ASSUME ONLY LOVE. Assume the snow on the ground is God’s love for the earth, assume the snowy roads are there to remind me to slow down and love myself, assume that there is enough love inside me to love four children as well as three, assume that the hard work and love poured out over years of home schooling will support my children in their new endeavors, assume God’s love is steadfast and will support me in times of financial insecurity, assume that love is all around us just waiting to be seen and felt.

 

I SHOULD…

New Year’s Eve day brought some insight that I am very grateful for. The day definitely didn’t start out on the right foot…I slept too late, didn’t get my quite time, I realized I didn’t have all the ingredients for the food I wanted to make for the 12 people coming to dinner that night, I had scheduled myself an appointment in the middle of the morning, Julianna had an issue in that required a phone call to the doctor and an afternoon appointment and of course the kids needed assistance doing the most basic things and I hadn’t had my coffee! So as I went through the motions I started “shoulding” myself. I should have gotten up earlier, I should have made a better grocery list, I should have paid more attention to Julianna’s symptoms 2 days ago and on and on. By 11 am I had a piled enough “shoulds” on myself that I looked and felt like the Hunchback from Notre Dame!

The insight came when I saw how those “shoulds” weighed me down emotionally, physically and spiritually. I new then what my goal for 2009 would be: take “should” out of my vocabulary! Just changing my words to describe what I am going to do or what I will do is incredibly freeing and empowering. By rewording my thoughts to things like….I will run to the store to grab a couple more things, I am listening to Julianna’s symptoms now, I will do a quick hair do since I have less time to get ready, I am giving my kids the extra help they need, I will get my coffee, I am supported by God’s spirit and by golly, I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN! and if I do say so myself…I am doing a darn good job! Whew, that feels good!

 

This is not the world’s flattest flan…

but I did make one yesterday!  This is also not even the world’s best looking flan but it is the best one I’ve ever made.  Normally I would be worried that not everything I made for our New Year’s Eve company was beutiful and delicious.  Not last night.  I was able to enjoy our dear friends and share in the laughter over the flattest flan ever.  I was even able to appreciate the compliments on how nice the one in the picture looked…although no one tried it!  It really isn’t about how amazing eveything you might do is.  It is about enjoying the process…the good, bad, ugly and flat.

 

What do I need??

The sun comes up, I roll out of bed and I think “What needs to happen today?”  Let’s see, besides the basic necessities of life….. the guinea pig needs exercise time in her pen, cuddle time and fresh veggies;  the dog needs to be walked, chased, allowed to cuddle on my lap during my quite time and reassured that he is still loved despite the new animal additions to the family; the bird needs to be talked to at nauseum and carried around on a shoulder for several hours; Julianna needs help getting the guinea pig in and out of the cage, constant company, plenty of transition time, help combing her crazy curly hair and ideas for her lunch box;  Ryan needs to know the whole schedule for the day, the threat of death to eat breakfast, play time with his friends, playtime on the Wii and tons of encouragement; Mike needs a calm household when he comes home, physical affection and my undivided attention for at least 15 mintues plus the car needs gas.  Then,I ask  “what do I need?”.

I thought I needed 8 hours of sleep, 1 hour of exercise, 1 cup of coffee, 20 minutes of quite time and unlimited time at the computer to write my third ever blog.  What I realized this morning is that what I need most is HUMILITY … arriving at the correct estimate of myself and being willing to bend at the knees.  It is only through God’s grace and spirit that I would even begin to be able to meet the needs presented to me today.

 

Hello world!

I have been inspired to try my hand at blogging, driven by my hearts desire to express my feelings, thoughts and prayers.  It is my intention that this blog will encourage my personal and spiritual growth, spur my creativity, stretch my comfort zone and foster friendships.