Is there any good time to be unprepared? Possibly. A dear friend of mine, in her early 40’s, just lost her father. She is the first close friend of mine that is around my age to have lost a parent during our friendship. It really got me thinking. She said several times that she was really not prepared for her father to die. Although he had suffered a stroke, possibly several, and was unable to live independently, she wasn’t prepared for him to die. Arranging for a memorial service, figuring out what to do with her father’s body, what to do with the estate and simultaneously knowing how to help her kids deal with their grandfather’s death and grieve herself….a mystery.
My initial response was “Oh My Gosh, I wouldn’t know how to handle all that either”. My next response was thinking that when my friend was ready, I’d have her go over the process with me…so I could know what to do when it happens to me. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Get the details, know the facts, be prepared. It could only help, right? I am sure that being prepared for death has its purpose, its depth and timing, different for each of us.
For me, being unprepared for death, would have an important purpose. To facilitate the feelings of helplessness. To make me feel really small and tiny. To show us that me that I am not in control and that death is final. No amount of knowing (even by a psychic) could make things easier. Feeling helpless is a vital part of moving through the grief. It would be just like me, to try and avoid this kind of pain through thinking I knew what was supposed to happen, organizing, planning, delegating and working out all the details. I bet I could do a pretty good job staying completely out of my heart!
Instead, I have decided to allow myself to feel the struggle and helplessness that comes with being unprepared for death. Stay in my heart!
If you read this, please hold space for my friend Tundra as she grieves the loss of her father then go outside, take a deep breath and appreciate nature…in honor of her father.
April 26, 2009 at 2:37 am
I lost my last grandfather this week in Manhattan, Ks. He was my step mother’s dad who passed on 8 yrs ago. I found my self saying to the two daughters, “sorry about the loss of your dad” and then to the wife, ” husband”. “He was a good man”. My dad under going two major surgeries this year with a very slow recovery forced me to think about “when will I lose my dad?” I have so many questions for him. I could not imagine the lose right now. My prayers are with your true friend.
April 29, 2009 at 6:54 am
Oh, the randomness of life and death. The hardest part for me, is wondering afterward, if the person was really here or if I just made them up, had a dream about them… or something along those lines. We had so many people die in the last few years that my mom has completely prepared, organized and nearly written her own obituary (not really) Now I know she will probably live to be 120 and never need any of her planning. Me, I just want to go out in a ball of flame.
I will pray for your friend!
May 3, 2009 at 1:00 pm
In my own expierence there is no preperation for the loss of a loved one/parent whan it happens the loss is over whelming for a while then in the case of a parent or in my own case when all your older relatives are dead you face a life review you are then next in line to die your clan a growing up expierence for me i send your friend love