A Heart Driven Life

for my life.  As I sat in my second knitting rescue session after my first lesson, it was obvious….learning to knit is just like my life!  First of all, it is very hard to learn something new.  I want to be proficient at it right away.  I want to be able to put into practice what ever it is I have learned and have it easily assimilated into my modus operandi.  I can get things going pretty easily.  I am a fairly quick learner.  But just as quickly as I have learned it, I can loose it.  Get distracted.  Forget what I am supposed to do.  Drop a stitch.  Get tired or maybe even overconfident.  Suddenly things are bumpy where they should be smooth and smooth where they should be loopy.  Ugh! 

Then I have to back track.  Try to find out where I went wrong.  Take out stitches.  Make amends.  Become aware of my struggles.  Get my bearings. Start again with more resolve to do it correctly, go slower, pray more, talk less and take deeper breaths.  Wow!  It works, off we go!  That scarf that became a coaster is now a scarf again….but not for long.  Somehow I’ve ended up with too many stitches and they are too loose on one end and too tight on the other.  When I go to take out the mistakes, I find mistakes I was even aware of and things start to unravel right before my eyes.

At this point I’m about to take my coaster and tie if off, donate the yarn and cut my losses.  It was a nice attempt but didn’t quite work out like I had hoped.   Not my thing…just accept it.  I can’t be good at everything!  Chalk it up to a good learning experience and ask God what was I supposed to learn from this?  But that sweet friend or loving husband or the Holy Spirit or the patient knitting instructor is there to encourage me.  They understand.  They know what it is like, been there before themselves.  They put an arm around me, whether physically or emotionally, and it makes all the difference.

Okay, I’ll keep trying.  It is worth the effort and the struggle to get to the point where I can look back and see beauty of it all.  I can treasure the imperfections and appreciate the process.  I can see the different threads God has woven in my life and cherish the creation of something new.  Hopefully, it is a scarf!

I do really appreciate your honesty.  I was delighted to have a day of skiing on Saturday with a couple of my girlfriends. The sun was out most of the time, it wasn’t too windy and the snow conditions were acceptable. What was really great was the company,conversation and the honesty. Not everyone feels comfortable to share honestly but when they do, you can really feel the difference. It comes from their heart! It has a different resonance and vibration. It is real!

Sometimes it is accompanied by a nervous giggle as we think “Oh my, I can’t believe I just said that” or “Did that just come out of my mouth?”. The reception though, is usually relief, acceptance or appreciation.  We have taken the chance to share from our heart, to share a bit of our true self.  It is beautiful to be approached from the heart…safe, thoughtful, inspiring and honest.

Thank you for every moment you take to speak from your heart!

Today was a tough day. I could have starred in my own Hee Haw skit singing “Gloom, Despair and Agony on Me”, only it wouldn’t have been a satire. Some days are like that. You just feel kind of gray and that’s okay. It started when I woke up this morning from a dream that was heart wrenching and very unsettling. I immediately wrote it all down and prayed for clarity, wisdom and strength. It has been heavy on my heart every minute of the day.

I also struggled with listening and seeing my children fight. It hurts me so much to see them hurt each other. Even though everyone says they fought with their siblings and all kids do it. I just don’t get it. It seems simple to me. If you want to feel good, be loving to the people around you and keep your hands to yourself!! I’m really feeling at the end of my rope with it!

Who knows, some of the sibling rivalry could have triggered this, but Ryan had one of his hardest days in almost 6 months. Anxiety disorders can play such unfair tricks on the mind and Ryan allowed it to wreck havoc on him. He was in agony after his half day at school because he got a 90 on his spelling test and somehow convinced himself that he got a C which is basically the same thing as an F!

Then my car suddenly acquired a squeal that could wake the dead. I am not exaggerating. The kids tried to convince me to let them walk home because they couldn’t stand to be in the car with that terrible noise. I have quarantined the car until diagnosis and treatment are complete.

So what do you do with a day like this? Put on your overalls and sing. Yes! Or you could order pizza, play Wii, blow off the laundry, have a glass of wine and giggle at your husband in his former pest control, now completely and utterly filthy, auto repair jumpsuit… driving a squealing car around the neighborhood!! Glory be to God that I got through this day and I’ll surely get through tomorrow because I’ll be driving the other car!

I am noticing how the landscape around us can change overnight. Sometimes it is dramatic like fresh snow blanketing the ground, giving the world an almost pure and peaceful effect. Often the changes are more subtle as when a rain leaves everything looking damp and heavy. To some the snow or rain can be a great excuse to cozy up at home and to others it creates complete havoc in their morning commute.

Our lives can change overnight as well. Like when the third baby you are expecting turns out to be the third and fourth or the economic downturn suddenly means you are making half the money for the same hours of work. Recently a wonderful home schooling Mom I know had to make the decision to put her four children back in school so she could go back to work. I can almost imagine the flood of feelings washing over her as the landscape of her life changes dramatically.

So how do we weather these changes with out drowning or getting buried in the snow? My answer for today is ASSUME ONLY LOVE. Assume the snow on the ground is God’s love for the earth, assume the snowy roads are there to remind me to slow down and love myself, assume that there is enough love inside me to love four children as well as three, assume that the hard work and love poured out over years of home schooling will support my children in their new endeavors, assume God’s love is steadfast and will support me in times of financial insecurity, assume that love is all around us just waiting to be seen and felt.

New Year’s Eve day brought some insight that I am very grateful for. The day definitely didn’t start out on the right foot…I slept too late, didn’t get my quite time, I realized I didn’t have all the ingredients for the food I wanted to make for the 12 people coming to dinner that night, I had scheduled myself an appointment in the middle of the morning, Julianna had an issue in that required a phone call to the doctor and an afternoon appointment and of course the kids needed assistance doing the most basic things and I hadn’t had my coffee! So as I went through the motions I started “shoulding” myself. I should have gotten up earlier, I should have made a better grocery list, I should have paid more attention to Julianna’s symptoms 2 days ago and on and on. By 11 am I had a piled enough “shoulds” on myself that I looked and felt like the Hunchback from Notre Dame!

The insight came when I saw how those “shoulds” weighed me down emotionally, physically and spiritually. I new then what my goal for 2009 would be: take “should” out of my vocabulary! Just changing my words to describe what I am going to do or what I will do is incredibly freeing and empowering. By rewording my thoughts to things like….I will run to the store to grab a couple more things, I am listening to Julianna’s symptoms now, I will do a quick hair do since I have less time to get ready, I am giving my kids the extra help they need, I will get my coffee, I am supported by God’s spirit and by golly, I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN! and if I do say so myself…I am doing a darn good job! Whew, that feels good!

but I did make one yesterday!  This is also not even the world’s best looking flan but it is the best one I’ve ever made.  Normally I would be worried that not everything I made for our New Year’s Eve company was beutiful and delicious.  Not last night.  I was able to enjoy our dear friends and share in the laughter over the flattest flan ever.  I was even able to appreciate the compliments on how nice the one in the picture looked…although no one tried it!  It really isn’t about how amazing eveything you might do is.  It is about enjoying the process…the good, bad, ugly and flat.